Of Sparkloi and Finance
by MakaioRed
Summary: Edward meets his financial advisor to discuss the hard times he and Bella are going through. My sequel to "Death at a Wedding" and to an extent "Go Go Gorilla". An uncountable amount of references were made.


Edward was at home when the call from the bank came through. It had explained that his and Bella's financial advisor had scheduled an emergency meeting for very late that evening. Against Edward's better judgement he left for the bank, before waiting for Bella to come back from her job interview.

The couple had fallen under hard times due to poor choices, and perhaps hiring a financial advisor only added to their climbing bills, or perhaps not. They didn't need to live like normal people, but their daughter dared them to do it and they were failing so far.

Edward had to travel to London, during the evening, to reach the bank in question. He arrived to Diagon Alley and made his way to Gringotts. He was politely directed to the office of his advisor. He rapped on a door labelled 'Count Dracula' and a call to the effect of 'enter' was heard through it.

Edward opened the door. In a nice swivel chair sat The Count, dressed in a black cape and kept with hair that held a stylist's touch. The two vampires greeted each other then Edward sat down (without being told). Once Edward was settled, Dracula began to question the young 'sparkloi'.

"I've been trying to come up with a few solutions for your financial crisis. I've gone through every bank statement for each month of the year and I wanted to find out why your spending habits have been so bad," the elder vampire said, while making notes in a small book. "I'll be asking you a few questions."

Edward decided to play it Bogart. "Okay, cool."

"Right," Dracula said, "firstly, why do you buy 50 rubber ducks every month?"

Edward's eye twitched out of surprise to the question. He tried to answer it in a most round-about way. "Bella says that they go well with my disco stick when she vulcanises it."

Dracula winced at the last few words of Edwards answer. "I would ask what that means, but I am inclined to think that your answer just may lead to a MA rating of this fic. Bella, you mean your wife?"

"Yes, yes," Edward said quickly.

"But, then, why are you paying off lawyers for divorce fees?"

"We got divorced. But then we got married again," moving his finger in circles around his forehead.

"Uh, so that explains the catering costs," Dracula said while crossing out the entry on the statement of a payment to an animal blood bank.

Edward had to think hard about that one, as if sticking his hand into a box of memories and then pulling his arm out without a memory nor hand. Finally he said, "Nah, we just wanted food one night."

"And why do the two of you not buy female products?"

"What do you mean?"

"To put it in a discreet way, your sister always sees visions and they ALWAYS come true, always," Dracula said. "Or maybe not always?"

Edward should have come up with something that didn't betray his wife's secret, but he lacked the tact and the i486 DX in his head couldn't brew a lie fast enough. So instead he said, "Oh, Bella is the best of both worlds, she doesn't need them."

"What! Dare I say she's a she-man?"

"I prefer the term he-woman!" Edward replied in a snap.

"My goodness!" Dracula said, surprised and shifting in his chair. "How disturbing; being married to an 'it'."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, next question. Why did you have to pay for a tree to be chopped down and then a grave dug up?" Dracula asked.

"You were at my daughter's wedding? Don't you remember what happened?" Edward asked.

Dracula answered in the negative, muttering something about being old.

"Well, I'll go over the whole story," Edward started, "I got buried alive at my daughter's wedding. The one which Bella didn't attend because she couldn't stand seeing Jacob get married (which is what caused our divorce). I digress, some loony, who shouted that he was the god of mischief, got spanked on top of my grave and the 'residue' from the spanking caused a tree to grow on top of it, though I didn't know that at the time. I managed to send an SMS to my daughter and she came to my rescue. For some reason, she had to wade through hundreds of baby rabbits to get near the tree."

"I see," said the elder vampire, his face expressing a look which shouted 'shoot me'. "Quite the story. You could just say that you were clearing land or something. I don't need every detail. Do you study during the week?"

"No, why?"

"There's a monthly stop order for a payment to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"I wish those people would leave me alone. I can't believe they've been taking money out my account. I don't attend and yet they still charge me. Can you do something about it?"

"Yes. I shall report them to the anti-fraud department." The Count then flipped a page over to reveal several other statements. "Why have you purchased a chainsaw?"

The sparkloi, again being the most untactful person in the room, said, "To help cut Bella's bush- I mean toe nails."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Moving on there has only been one bit of income the entire year. Everything else has been an expense. But I don't understand what it means." Dracula took a breath in an then started to read, "Payment for appearing in the 't-h-n-k-s f-r t-h m-m-r-s' music video. A note was added to the payment, saying 'the band had a chimp of a time'."

"It's 'Thanks for the Memories'. Oh, yes I remember. I'm now a hybrid vampire/shapeshifter, ever since I bit this karate dude and fought against some Italian guy. I change into different kinds of primate during the full moon."

"That must explain why Kim Kard- I mean Kim Possible's mom is suing you for kissing her daughter like a chimp."

"What?" Edward stood up, fell on the floor in shock, and rolled up and down while screaming, "I thought they took that out the video, nooooooooo."

Dracula had had enough of this foolishness. He picked Edward up and kicked him out of the office. He then told the fairy that he'll only deal with him via mail. There's only so much fairy dust a legend could handle in person.


End file.
